selam dostlar.
i actually want to write this one in english. i don't even care anymore. just whatever...
so in berlin i started doing this thing whenever i feel depressed and people try to reach out to me, i turn off the lights. every. single. time.
it is so fucking symbolic but it is actually not. i know that when people want to knock on your door, they will not wait for you to open it if your lights are not on. they are gonna be like oh guess she is not here. but the funny thing is that, it is impossible for me to not be at home unless i am with them, especially at night time. so i know they won't buy into that.
but i still turn the lights off.
it's like i use how i feel as an excuse to stay away from people, and then i use staying away from them as an excuse to not feeling better, and then i use not feeling better as an excuse to stay even more far away and sometimes i am mad at them for not reaching out to me. because you know what, fuck them.
i feel so dumb and miserable. i sit on the toilet and wait for the time to pass so that i can go to bed. i just cry because i hear the words dad or mom. i cry because i feel like no one can ever hear me crying and oh god i know this place, i have been here before and i did not want to come again. but here i am. crying and writing in english even though i am not confident and i know i will want to delete it later.
i miss my mom's arms a lot. i miss laying down with my brother and talking about some very serious heartbreaks while laughing. i miss talking to my dad for hours.
i miss everything back home. and this is my excuse for feeling bad.
and i dont like doing this. i know this wont work. i know it. i have real problems and i am trying to keep them away from my face... by turning off the lights.
but turning off the lights only works if its dark outside. when its day time you can not control anything. you cant even hide. you have to find another fucking excuse to miss the train so you dont have to endure a fifteen minute ride with your classmates.
but they are all excuses. and i know it and it is making me feel even more miserable.
i feel like no one wants me. but i also know that i am the one who doesnt want me.
i am so foreign to myself.
i miss my bed back home.
and i miss crying knowing that in the morning someone will notice that my eyes are puffy.
i have 35 days left.
at this point i feel like all i have is excuses.
but i got a really good grade on my presentation today.
and i will be traveling to different countries next week.
and i probably keep finding new excuses till i go back home.
but i will do well.
i promise mavi.
